I'm only a guest

Howdedooda!
My name is Maggie and I am a guest speaker on this blog for one day only (that's what the old dog who lives here said anyway!) My mum had to go to work today and my usual dog sitters were not available, so I have come to a new house. My food has come too so I don't know for how long I have been abandoned.  When I first met the old codger in the garden, I lay on my back in submission - I was in his territory after all but we both soon realised I was top dog and I set out to prove it.  Laugh?  I nearly offered around the Bonios. 
I first of all jumped up on the bed whilst the woman of the household was trying to make it.  I did get down but felt obliged to get back on, just to prove to the old codger that I still could.
Then I found a pull toy, which frankly had seen better days, so I chewed off the hard plastic then I annihilated the tennis ball part.

This is the old fella' looking at his old Christmas gift from his Aunty Betty.  I wondered why everyone was whispering until I found out that there was a human sleeping in the back bedroom.  This is Taffy's Aunty Barb from Canada.  She's sleeping off something called Jet Lag.  This didn't bother me though and I became quite vocal.  Anyhow it worked because we went for a walk sooner rather than later. It was a struggle getting me into the boot of the car with the old boy but the old woman managed it and off we went.  Imagine my surprise when the boot opened again and in got my old mucker Benson!!  We were so happy to see each other but there was no room to show our happiness, what with the old boy in the corner barking.
When we got to the park, I jumped out of the car boot and took the woman flying across the grass to meet another chocolate labrador.  She had no idea how strong I was.  She dropped her car keys but I wasn't stopping.  I also had to greet a Weimeraner that looked pretty handsome.  When we got back to the car, Benson was out, trailing his lead and the old boy was out still wearing some kind of nappy.  Car keys found we set off.  Minutes later, we met a puppy boxer dog called Charlie and a little rascal called Molly, who told me in no uncertain terms that she was in charge of this pack and don't forget it!  I played and played with Charlie and was covered in slobber.  We were out for what seemed like hours.
We're home now and I am flaked out on the landing of the kennel.  I think I like it here and the old woman seems to like me too. Asked me when I was coming again.  Gotta dash now for some more ZZZZZZZZZ's

Dear Diary......

Good Consternoon Afterble, as SWMBO is fond of saying - having a distant relationship with the 'Old Bill'.  Well, well, well. There must be much to tell you but I'll be surprised if I can remember everything.  I can never get near this computer these days.  HWMBO is writing what seems to be the longest book in the world.  SWMBO is hoping it's going to be a best seller, so we can all retire to a dog friendly country in a modestly warm climate.  Of course he'll never finish it if she keeps nagging him to do all the chores about the house.

Today I have been for 'Jellification'.  I have been shorn to within an inch of my life.  No matter how badly behaved I try to be, I keep getting taken back there.  In fact, I didn't think I was looking too bad and nor did Mrs. Jelley, so I tried to walk right back out of there.  SWMBO had other thoughts and now I need to stay in the warm and dry.  Talking of which, she had me out today with Lady and Benson on Epsom Downs and there was a thunder storm going on.  Well, I couldn't hear the thunder but I certainly saw the flashes.

Lady?  I hear you ask.  Well, Lady is my cousin and her mum has to work long hours this week, so Lady has come for a little holiday with us until Saturday.  She is deaf like me and a little nervous but I'm taking good care of her.  The first night she stayed, SWMBO felt sorry for her and let her come up to the master (or should that be mistress?) bedroom.  I soon nodded off but Lady went on walkabout for some time before she settled.  HWMBO said she made noises all night in her sleep.  I never heard them but I must say she does suffer from wind and I can hear that!!  Being a gentleman though, I pretend not to notice.

The photo above is Lady last night on my bed (she brought her own). I've heard of Red Eye but never green eye!  What sort of camera are they using?

Last night, we were all watching Bouquet of Barbed Wire and didn't notice Lady slip out and perform a nuisance on the kitchen floor.  Sadly, that action made SWMBO change her mind about the sleeping arrangements and Lady was relegated to the hall and kitchen overnight.  Once again she went walkabout and her footsteps could be heard for at least half an hour before she lay down.  (So I'm told - I was in the land of nod almost immediately.)  I managed to sleep through the night for a change and when we went downstairs, unfortunately there was another smelly nuisance on the kitchen floor.

SWMBO blames herself.  She has been giving Lady nice tasty treats that she's not used to and so today, she has been placed on her regular diet regimen.  Watch this space for tomorrow's update.

Going backwards in time now.  Last week, I was on a little holiday of my own.  I went to stay with Val & Eric whilst Mum and Dad went to Liverpool for The Mathew St. Festival, which celebrates The Beatles - whoever they are.  They did ask me but I declined the invitation.  Anyhow, whilst on a walk with Eric, I met a little puppy and played with him.  The puppy's owner thought I was a puppy myself.  What do think about that then?  Obviously the arthritis was on holiday too that day.

Whilst away, SWMBO arranged for another Cinnamon Trust lady - Judy - to walk Benson.  This she did a couple of times over the weekend.  Then Benson's owner fell ill and had to go to the hospital for a day.  Judy was kind enough to rush over and take Benson to her house for the day.  Well, Judy has a big garden and Benson apparently checked it all out.  She has two duckweed covered ponds and Benson tried to be Jesus on both.   He came out all smelly and one can only hope there were no fish in them.

If I've missed anything out, I'll be back very soon with an update.  I have a bit of sleep to catch up on now, having been awake all day. TTFN

I even had to share my bed whilst hers stands empty!

For my faithful followers

SWMBO didn't want me to put this photograph on my blog - but who's blog is it anyway?  She thinks she looks like a man.  Well, I didn't argue.  The gorgeous creature with her is Eddy, who you will remember is my cousin who lives in Torquay.  They were sailing down to Dartmouth from Totnes as I recall, without me.  I was no doubt living it up in Molesey with my other mum and dad, Val and Eric.

I may not have been very vocal recently but it's been all go this end.  Charlie and Benson have had kennel cough and Molly has had conjunctivitis.  Trixie Belle of Ewell - Charlie and Molly's cousin - has had the cough too.

One day I actually had SWMBO to myself for a walk. Mum had to take Benson to the 'vitnary' and go and get him his meds.  Charlie and Molly were in quarantine and then Benson was.  For some unknown reason, Molly and I seem to have got away with it.  My claws are crossed and I hope I haven't barked too soon.  Perhaps because we are older dogs.  One day, as Benson was stir crazy, his Mum called my Mum and asked her to take him out as he was driving her nuts.  In the mean time, I have been walking with my bitches, Elle and Cindy.  I love their company and their aroma.  Benson does too.  He's back walking with us now.  Today he was scooting along the grass on his itchy bottom, with his lipstick on show.  No class Border Collies.  No class at all.

I can still pull 'em

Evening all. I must apologise for my absence on line but sometimes life just takes over.  I'm normally asleep so I don't notice but not much has been occurring in this kennel. This is a picture of me with a puppy that was born at Mrs. Jelley's house to Sienna.  She appears to like me don't you think?  Mrs. Jelley is my groomer, you may remember. 

I went to Richmond Park today with Benson.  We met Dawn and her young charge Martha.  We had to take in the swings and slides in the children's play area but Benson, SWMBO and I had to stay outside.  I was too busy trying to sniff out rabbits and Benson was chasing the ball, so we didn't mind the humans enjoying themselves elsewhere.  After the walk, Benson fell in love with a randy 9 year old Staffie called Grace.  Grace?  Trollop more like.  She was walking all funny with her tail over to one side and giving Benson the come on.  Benn never needs much encouragement and before long he was getting very intimate with her exposed bottom.  I heard SWMBO saying to him, 'Well you're not licking me anymore today'.  Benn becomes totally deaf when he's in love and SWMBO had a hard time separating the two lovelorn pooches.  Grace was off lead and followed us, presumably with the intention of swapping telephone numbers or email addresses with Benn but eventually she gave up when we were both dragged to a picnic area.  Martha was given a sausage sandwich and I know from experience that children get bored eating and it's just a waiting game.  Before you knew it I was partaking in sausage and french bread with ketchup.  Benn refused to eat, being so in love with Grace, so I had the lot.

Hello strangers

Did you wonder where I was?  It's been a bit quiet round these here parts since last week.  SWMBO is unwell.  What a drama queen.  I'd heard talk of them going to Dover on Saturday - without moi I might add.  So, on Friday afternoon, we went to Val & Eric's kennel and I stayed overnight.  She was looking a little peaky I must say but I noticed there was nothing at all wrong with her appetite.  HWMBO drove her home and I barked and barked until they were out of view.  At 4am in the morning, I woke Eric up by putting my paw on his arm and he took me downstairs and into the garden.  I know what you're thinking - but imagine the alternative.  Well, I was most surprised when mid morning, HWMBO came to collect me.  We went home and the kennel was like a morgue (not that I'd know what a morgue looks like!) with the curtains closed and SWMBO trying to sleep but just coughing and complaining.  HWMBO kept trying to put drops in her eyes but she was resisiting and squealing like a stuck pig.  I was trying to sleep myself actually.

So, on Sunday, I went out with Dad.  In the park we met Charles and Molly Ward.  Always good to see them.  Well, I thought so, but Charles play bit Dad's watch and cracked the glass.  I understand the repair and the service of said watch are the price of a b****y mortgage.  Odd really, when I know SWMBO didn't pay all that much for it when they were on holiday in Jersey.  Not that he knows of course.

So, I haven't seen Benson since Friday morning.  Good thing really, because he weed on my head.  I don't think he did it on purpose but you never know with those pesky border collies.  My white fur turned yellow and I had to have another shampoo and blow dry.

Yesterday, I wasn't walked at all.  Mum stayed in bed and I thought I'd have a day off but today she got dressed for the first time in what seems like days.  When she puts on her socks, I know I'm going out and I start getting all unecessary.  Two hours later and I started to think she was playing with me.  Mind games I think they call it.  So I kept following her from room to room until she felt guilty and it worked.  We only went to the little park nearby but it was OUT of the kennel.  SWMBO was eating blackberries that were growing wild.  I hope she doesn't get sick again.  I also hope no other dog had watered them first!!

The dog you see above, is - or should I say was, Billy.  Mum used to walk Billy and Poppy on Epsom Common on a Sunday morning but Billy died.  We carried on walking Poppy until Christmas but we don't go there any more.  We've got Benson now.

No - it's no one we know, just a cute puppy dog.  SWMBO has a soft spot for collies - goodness knows why - they are hyperactive and I wouldn't call her that particularly. So what's new in my life since I last posted?  After all that frenetic energy I expended on Saturday, I took it easy on Sunday morning with Benson, Chaz and Molly.  They are a funny double act.  When they get out of their moving kennel, and are still attached to their leads, Chaz pulls Molly along by her leash and her feet don't touch the ground.  She's not very happy about this but it's fun to watch.

Monday evening I was taken out to Molesey for a barbeque. This was at Malcolm and Sandra's house and I was reminded of a time long ago, when I attended their kennel one Sunday afternoon.  I was wandering around the garden leaving my mark on every plant they owned, when I suddenly realised that there was a rabbit in close vicinity.  I got the scent and started to run up and down the wall that separated me from my quarry.  If only I'd known that the wall got lower at one end, I'd have had that creature on the barby before you could say 'Duracell bunny'. So, they tied me to Dad's chair.  Big mistake.  I pretended  to have forgotten about the rabbit and planned my move carefully.  The wall was made of bricks with holes in them, so I could see exactly what was going on in the neighbour's garden.  Just when I thought I could have that bunny in one leap, I made my move.  Sadly I had forgotten that I was attached to Dad's wooden garden chair.  Suddenly I was wearing gin and tonic and HWMBO was sprawled over the lawn shouting at me.  For some unknown reason, he sent me to Coventry for the rest of the day and I spent the next hour in the boot of the moving kennel until SWMBO calmed him down.

Anyway, the rabbit is no more, so I just checked out the garden for foxes.  I did my starving dog thing again and was rewarded with sausages and left over chicken.  No I know this is getting repetitive but I brought up all I'd eaten in the last few hours.  I only do it if I have an audience.  I quickly ate it all up again but still didn't feel right, so I started to eat grass.  That did the trick and I was sick again.  This time it was all picked up and I had to go hungry until the next day.  There was talk of a visit to the vitnary if this keeps on, so I'd better not overdo it methinks. 

This morning after we'd collected Benson, we had to go to HIS vitnary.  He had a tick attached to his inner ear and he was crying like a stuck pig.  What a puppy.  For a horrible moment, I thought I was going to get treatment but I was only taken in because it was too hot in the car.  It was all over in a second and then we went to the park.  Imagine my huge delight when the lovely Ellie and Cindy showed up.  This time it was Benson's turn to suck up to Cindy and my goodness did he try his luck.  She didn't mind but her sister Ellie did and kept telling him off.  By the way, Ellie ignored me - after all that flirting on Saturday!  Bitches, I'll never understand them.

Here come the girls

I fancy I mentioned I had the company of two ladies last night.  I was combed to within an inch of my life and a new pad was applied to my nether regions.  I'd forgotten just how charming a lady's company can be - Molly doesn't count because she's like a sister to me - and she bites my undercarriage when I jump out of the car boot.  Where was I?  Oh yes, the lovely girls - my bitches - Ellie and Cindy.  I haven't seen them since I last wet my pants in their kennel a few months ago.  As soon as they arrived I showed them around the garden.   I'm guessing the yelling from SWMBO was encouragement, so we trampled over the flower beds some more.

Well, dear reader how can I put this?  I still have 'IT'. Oh yes, I might be coming up 105 but that Ellie was putty in my paws.  She was flirting with me like never before and I swear I heard her pant 'Take me'.  I made her wait.  I had a few party tricks up my dew claw to show the ladies.  I know you've heard about them before dear reader but they hadn't seen my repertoire, so I sicked up my dinner and ate it all up in front of them.  It always brings the kennel down and makes the humans wretch. Laugh? I would have but I had to eat quickly before the girls ate my dinner for me. Then I licked and licked their Mum's legs until SWMBO was apologising and dragging me away - telling Sandra he's never done that before!?!?  What is she like?

Now correct me if I'm wrong but does this look like a 'come on' to you?  I took it to be so and shortly after tried to get stuck in - literally!  Well bark about coitus interruptus - this was more like coitus non startus.  What on earth was the panic about?  I'm only firing blanks anyway.  She was just asking for it the hussey.  I felt a hand on my collar and soon it was all over.  She still carried on before me but from then on I played hard to get.

We had a nice evening and after I'd licked all the left over curry, we had a nice sleep.  Then we had another photo shoot.  SWMBO tried to get us all sitting in a line and offered us Schmackos as a kind of bribe.  We knew the score and having got a treat - legged it.  I think we finished a bag of 24 treats before she gave up.  Cindy was a real babe in arms and sits on her mummy's knee like a puppy.

The second highlight for me and Dad, was when Cindy came out from under the sofa in the conservatory covered in cobwebs.  SWMBO was mortified and

as soon as the guests had gone, she was on her hands and knees with a feather duster under the conservatory furniture.  Too late - Cindy had already done the job.