~~My name is Taffy and this is my story~~

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

No - it's no one we know, just a cute puppy dog.  SWMBO has a soft spot for collies - goodness knows why - they are hyperactive and I wouldn't call her that particularly. So what's new in my life since I last posted?  After all that frenetic energy I expended on Saturday, I took it easy on Sunday morning with Benson, Chaz and Molly.  They are a funny double act.  When they get out of their moving kennel, and are still attached to their leads, Chaz pulls Molly along by her leash and her feet don't touch the ground.  She's not very happy about this but it's fun to watch.
Monday evening I was taken out to Molesey for a barbeque. This was at Malcolm and Sandra's house and I was reminded of a time long ago, when I attended their kennel one Sunday afternoon.  I was wandering around the garden leaving my mark on every plant they owned, when I suddenly realised that there was a rabbit in close vicinity.  I got the scent and started to run up and down the wall that separated me from my quarry.  If only I'd known that the wall got lower at one end, I'd have had that creature on the barby before you could say 'Duracell bunny'. So, they tied me to Dad's chair.  Big mistake.  I pretended  to have forgotten about the rabbit and planned my move carefully.  The wall was made of bricks with holes in them, so I could see exactly what was going on in the neighbour's garden.  Just when I thought I could have that bunny in one leap, I made my move.  Sadly I had forgotten that I was attached to Dad's wooden garden chair.  Suddenly I was wearing gin and tonic and HWMBO was sprawled over the lawn shouting at me.  For some unknown reason, he sent me to Coventry for the rest of the day and I spent the next hour in the boot of the moving kennel until SWMBO calmed him down.
Anyway, the rabbit is no more, so I just checked out the garden for foxes.  I did my starving dog thing again and was rewarded with sausages and left over chicken.  No I know this is getting repetitive but I brought up all I'd eaten in the last few hours.  I only do it if I have an audience.  I quickly ate it all up again but still didn't feel right, so I started to eat grass.  That did the trick and I was sick again.  This time it was all picked up and I had to go hungry until the next day.  There was talk of a visit to the vitnary if this keeps on, so I'd better not overdo it methinks. 
This morning after we'd collected Benson, we had to go to HIS vitnary.  He had a tick attached to his inner ear and he was crying like a stuck pig.  What a puppy.  For a horrible moment, I thought I was going to get treatment but I was only taken in because it was too hot in the car.  It was all over in a second and then we went to the park.  Imagine my huge delight when the lovely Ellie and Cindy showed up.  This time it was Benson's turn to suck up to Cindy and my goodness did he try his luck.  She didn't mind but her sister Ellie did and kept telling him off.  By the way, Ellie ignored me - after all that flirting on Saturday!  Bitches, I'll never understand them.

Sunday, 18 July 2010

Here come the girls

I fancy I mentioned I had the company of two ladies last night.  I was combed to within an inch of my life and a new pad was applied to my nether regions.  I'd forgotten just how charming a lady's company can be - Molly doesn't count because she's like a sister to me - and she bites my undercarriage when I jump out of the car boot.  Where was I?  Oh yes, the lovely girls - my bitches - Ellie and Cindy.  I haven't seen them since I last wet my pants in their kennel a few months ago.  As soon as they arrived I showed them around the garden.   I'm guessing the yelling from SWMBO was encouragement, so we trampled over the flower beds some more.
Well, dear reader how can I put this?  I still have 'IT'. Oh yes, I might be coming up 105 but that Ellie was putty in my paws.  She was flirting with me like never before and I swear I heard her pant 'Take me'.  I made her wait.  I had a few party tricks up my dew claw to show the ladies.  I know you've heard about them before dear reader but they hadn't seen my repertoire, so I sicked up my dinner and ate it all up in front of them.  It always brings the kennel down and makes the humans wretch. Laugh? I would have but I had to eat quickly before the girls ate my dinner for me. Then I licked and licked their Mum's legs until SWMBO was apologising and dragging me away - telling Sandra he's never done that before!?!?  What is she like?
Now correct me if I'm wrong but does this look like a 'come on' to you?  I took it to be so and shortly after tried to get stuck in - literally!  Well bark about coitus interruptus - this was more like coitus non startus.  What on earth was the panic about?  I'm only firing blanks anyway.  She was just asking for it the hussey.  I felt a hand on my collar and soon it was all over.  She still carried on before me but from then on I played hard to get.
We had a nice evening and after I'd licked all the left over curry, we had a nice sleep.  Then we had another photo shoot.  SWMBO tried to get us all sitting in a line and offered us Schmackos as a kind of bribe.  We knew the score and having got a treat - legged it.  I think we finished a bag of 24 treats before she gave up.  Cindy was a real babe in arms and sits on her mummy's knee like a puppy.

The second highlight for me and Dad, was when Cindy came out from under the sofa in the conservatory covered in cobwebs.  SWMBO was mortified and
as soon as the guests had gone, she was on her hands and knees with a feather duster under the conservatory furniture.  Too late - Cindy had already done the job.

Can't stop - I'm entertaining tonight

Bon soir mes amis. I don't have long to talk, as I am getting myself ready for some female company this evening. My bow tie is on - straight - for a change and I'm having a combing as I write. A little Old Spice behind my manly furry ears and I'll be all set. I'll take my nappy off before they arrive. What a lovely surprise to hear that my old friends Ellie and Cindy are coming to play in my garden. I'm feeling frisky at the very thought. Check back soon to hear how my double date went. Hopefully there'll be photos!!

Thursday, 15 July 2010

Full of the joys of July

Hot off the press - this was me yesterday as soon as I got back from 'Jellification'.  I forgot to put on my Raybans, so although I look asleep upright - I am shielding my eyes from the harmful rays of the sun.  I'm not bad for an old fella am I?  Although you cannot tell from the photo, I smell good too.  You wouldn't think I am nearly 105 years old would you?

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

Leg warmers

Before you ask - I haven't a clue.  However, this dog has guts or mad owners. My friend Benjy from Warlingham sent me this snap.  She's kinda cute I think - well I'm presuming it's a she dog.  Who knows these days?  It may be a boy dog getting in touch with his feminine side.  If you know who this is, please leave a comment.
Dear oh dear - Charles Ward let himself down in our house yesterday.  His owners are still having a good time on holiday without him and I am still sharing my owners to make him and Molly feel better.  I believe they'll be home Thursday. Charles and Molly came over yesterday after SWMBO took them for a walk (without me I might add).  In our garage lives a sack of dried dog food, which is on the floor.  SWMBO trusts me not to eat from the sack and I respect that trust.  Not so Charlie.  Before you could say 'the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog', he was in head first and didn't come out until the sack was a lot lighter.  He then proceeded to pull apart one of my toys until he got out the squeaker.  He then trashed it.  I thought he'd never settle down and he played with Molly all evening.  At one point he went out and stood in some doggie doo-doos.  He then danced it onto the lounge carpet, the stairs and the bathroom floor.  He must have also stood in the shower cubicle because that needed cleaning too.  SWMBO sniffed it and went to get the pet stain remover but she told HWMBO that it was only mud.  Who was she kidding?  My sensitive nostrils are still smarting.  She spent the next half an hour on her knees with a cloth and spray.  I heard her tell Hayley - their guardian - 'We'll have them any time'  I think she's a good actress.
This morning in the dining room, in a hundred pieces, was a blue car sponge which Chaz must have found in the garage.  Laugh?  I nearly passed the bones around.
Today I was taken for 'Jellification'. That's their code word for a grooming appointment. The lady's name is Val Jelley and I guess they think it's funny and I'm daft.  As soon as I arrive at Val's house, I shiver and shake and try to go in the opposite direction.  I'm dragged into the poodle parlour and for two hours have to endure many indignities including have my bottom squeezed.  (Anal glands for the uninitiated).  I have tried to make it difficult for Val but she struggles on valiantly (Like that?  Valiantly) Why am I making little jokes? I hate it there. On the way out I always try to have a wee, just to let them all know how I hate going there.  However, now I wear a belly band, I'm not upsetting anyone apart from myself.  Anyway, it's over for a few more weeks and I get a lot more cuddles when I look so gorgeous and smell so sweet.  I'll get SWMBO to take a fresh snap of me and I'll share my good looks with you tomorrow.

Monday, 12 July 2010

Separation Anxiety

Remember Charlie and Molly?  Well whilst their owners are sunning themselves and feeding stray dogs on the beach in Turkey, I have been trying to take their minds off the separation.  To that end, I am willing to share my owners if it makes the week go faster for them.  HWMBO had a day at home so SWMBO got him out of bed early - and that was no mean feat - and she made him accompany me, Benson, Chaz and Molly to the park.  The boys lost the new green tennis ball within minutes of getting there and we spent a boring 15 minutes looking for it.  I thought border collies were smarter than that - but apparently not.  We were out for well over an hour.  We all had a great time and just near the end, Charlie ran after a jogger - or so we thought.  SWMBO tried to run after Charlie and frankly dear reader it was not a pretty sight.  Wibble wobble - too many of those Milkyway Way desserts me thinks.  However Charlie had other plans and led us all to a filthy pond.  As I was way behind the others, I was collared in the nick of time but the other three were in a state.  Benson's owner Olive, must have been shocked to see her lovely dog so dirty and completely covered in burs and grass seeds.  I heard SWMBO making a grooming appointment for later this week, so I really wanted to make it worth while but I was the cleanest.
On Saturday, SWMBO went out for the day and during the morning, HWMBO had a man come round to do a job on his kennel on wheels.  I hate being ignored and left alone and so I ran around the house checking all the rooms and ended up on the bed of my mum and dad.  Saturday is 'change the sheets day', so the bed was unmade and only the duvet cover remained in a heap in the centre of the bed.  I was so distracted, barking and whining, that I hadn't noticed that HWMBO had come back in the kennel and was advancing up the stairs to see what all the noise was about.  Imagine his surprise to discover me atop of the duvet on the bed, (with my back and bad joints!) barking for England and having a wee at the same time.  Well if SWMBO were there, I don't think I'd have been told off quite as much.  Suffice to say I kept a low profile for the rest of the day until she came home.  When he told her all about it, I pretended to sleep but I did hear her say that it was his fault for leaving the bedroom doors open.  And I agree!

Thursday, 8 July 2010

Milly Molly Mandy

This is Ruby.  I have never met Ruby and frankly I wouldn't have posted a photograph of the poor dog showing off all its bits and pieces but I'm told we live in a more liberated world nowadays.  But she does have potential to become a fine English Springer.  She belongs to Karen & Bob and I think she must be bigger than this now.
I don't have much to tell you really apart from the fact that I had the pleasure of Molly's company for a few hours.  Her owners have gone on holiday and left Charles and Molly at home with Hayley. Charles was taken to the vitnary's to stay with Hayley at work and Molly turned up at some ungodly hour in the morning and woke me from my dreams of chasing anything furry.  From that moment on I couldn't sleep.  We're a bit of a double act when together and we beg for treats continuously.  I can't sleep thinking she's getting more treats than me.  When SWMBO gets on the computer (when is she ever off it?) Molly  insists on sitting on her knee. After we'd had to sit through Desperate Housewives - last episode in this series, we were put in the car and first of all took Aunty Michelle to the station.  Then we collected Benson and all three of us were squashed unceremoniously in the rear, standing on each others paws.
The walk was super and whilst Molly and Benson went after the ball, I just trotted beside my mum until it was time to go home.  We dropped off Benson and we were all invited into the back garden whilst Olive and SWMBO had coffee and biscuits.  She knows my favourites are ginger shortbread but even though I was looking very appealing, I got none.  Molly went on a patrol of the garden and managed to squeeze herself right behind the shed.  She was gone a while, whilst I was doing my starving dog appeal and when she came out she had found a whole cooked sausage.  Talk about the luck of the Irish Wolfhound! AND she didn't share it.  She'd better not wake me up early again tomorrow.

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Benson in the dog house

Good morrow dear reader.  I have been taken to Richmond Park today with Benson.  I like to go there for the new smells.  There are creatures with horns that live there and I've chased a few in my time.  Now I can't be bothered.  Not so Benson though, so I help SWMBO look out for them, so we can go the other way. Well, we were walking along minding our own business, well Benson wasn't actually.  He's into everything and everybody - more of which later.  SWMBO  spotted a strange man lurking behind a big tree.  She hung back and decided to give him a wide berth.  He kept leaning around the tree, checking on us.  I wasn't scared at all and Benson wasn't either because he ran straight around the tree and flushed out a woman!  We don't know what they were doing but both were adjusting their dress as they emerged.  They were looking a bit cross now I come to think about it.  Humans, I never can fathom them out.
We then went to Pembroke Lodge for a fatty latte and SWMBO's friend, Dawn appeared out of the blue with a human child of about 14 dog years - going on 21 dog years.  I like children but I couldn't eat a whole one.  I'd probably just leave the head again.  (See previous post)
Well, we were just taking in the view and the smells, when a dog came up to us to bark, 'Hi - how's it hanging fellas?'  Benson put his ears back and was obviously very interested in the pooch.  So, then what does he do - but cock his leg over SWMBO's trousers!  I was snorting with delight.  Fresh on today and smelling of Oxydol or something similar.  She wasn't too impressed.  Anyway, the conversation went on, and on and on and we just wanted to go home for a rest.  Then a man came up to stroke Benson.  You'll never guess what he did!  Yes, he cocked his leg on his trousers too.  SWMBO screamed No and the man cleared off on the hurry up.  In Benson's defence, there wasn't much to come out because we'd had our walk but I'm just glad it wasn't me in the dog house for a change.  Ah well,  must be time for a few Z's before dinner. Chow!

Sunday, 4 July 2010

A Right Charlie

Since I have become midly famous, I have had begging letters from other dogs just queuing up to be on my blog.  Now this is Charlie of Warlingham.  I have never met him but I understand I share my chews and dog treats with him.  He's only small, so I figure he can't eat that many.  Can he?  I also understand that he has to work for his treat.  He talks, chases his tail, rolls over and plays dead.  Some clever canine.
I don't have much to tell you really.  I was taken up to Epsom Downs today with Benson, where we met Nicki (my second Mum), Molly and Charles Ward.  Benson and Charles get on famously together but the three other dogs were all playing chase the stinky, slimey, used to be green tennis ball.  Have they nothing better to do?  I usually get knocked over at least once and today was no exception.  When we got back, SWMBO was rushing about and I realised, as the slap went on, that they were going out.  I was dispatched to Molly's house for the day.  Yesterday, Michelle found a tick on my skin.  How degrading! Let's just keep this to ourselves.  In the Sunday Telegraph (yes, I can read!) they say that this is the year for ticks.  Oh great - how good is that?  I need all my blood thank you very much.  So, whilst at Molly's house, Hayley, the 'vitnary' nurse was tasked to perform an operation on my delicate flesh.  Before you could shout Get Down Shep, it was off me. Lewis (Molly's pack member, who was 126 in dog years yesterday) was less than impressed with my parasite.
Then I wet my nappy - sorry belly band.  Nicki had to send a text message to SWMBO whilst they were having a curry - to ask if she could go in the house and find a new dry nappy.
They eventually came and got me and I was deliriously happy - until some medicine was squirted into my mouth, without so much as a by your leave.  My poorly paw has been worrying me again so I have taken to licking the nail bed to make it sorer.  Anyone would think I liked going to the 'vitnary'.  So, now I am sporting a belly band and a ladies black sock with a diamante bow on it - held up with a black hair elastic.  All I need now, to complete the ensemble, is one of my fine bandanas.  Give me strength.

Saturday, 3 July 2010


Hello dog lovers!  (Was that presumptious?) Possibly.
This is a picture of Whippy.  I know this blog is often like a dog cemetary but compared to humanoids, we're not here that long.  I am showing you this snap because her owner has come to stay for a few days. This was Whippy in her prime but she's no longer with us.  She's sitting on a cloud with Barbara Woodhouse at the helm. It's HWMBO's birthday on Monday and as a surprise, his daughter Michelle has come to visit for a few days. I guess she's my step sister right? I was placed in the boot of the car yesterday and was expecting to go on a walk, but we went to the train station, where we waited on the platform.  SWMBO sat on a bench seat and I went underneath for some shade and had a little sniff around.  I really didn't mean to make the large lady on the other side jump - honest.  I just made myself known through the slats and she jumped up and told SWMBO to keep her dog under control. Some people have no sense of fun. Anyways, I thought we were going somewhere on the train but when it came to a halt, lots of people got off and some even came and stroked me.  Then right at the back, I smelled a familiar family member and it was Whippy's owner Michelle.  Dad was at Henley and didn't know she was coming and he got a great surprise when he came home.  I have been out today with the usual pack, Benson, Charlie and Molly.  She had to wake me up to go.  I thought, 'This had better be worth it.'  Nothing much to report, apart from Benson carrying the largest log I'd ever seen in one dog's mouth and we all had to get out of his way before he knocked us over.
I was thinking about a great walk I had some time ago, when I could run well. I was put in the car and was driven many many miles to a location in the country.  When I got out of the boot, I saw millions of dogs who looked like me.  It was a Welsh Springer reunion type thing.  We all went on a super walk over moorland and once off the lead, I got lost in a sea of red and white dog.  They who must be obeyed were worried because they couldn't pick me out but I knew exactly where they were and kept coming back to them to show them I cared. Half way round the walk, we passed a stud farm.  Inside a glorious paddock, where several sleek looking stallions and other wonderful horses.
Frankly they looked so bored, just chomping away on the grass, blah blah blah, that I thought I'd give them a run for their money.  Surely they couldn't run as fast as me.  I told many of the other Welshies to follow my lead but they all 'Welshed' out on me and I went in alone.  I soon stirred them up and suddenly, I was being chased by one.  All hell broke loose and the humans started screaming, 'Get that dog under control'.  I ran round and round the paddock as if my life depended on it - and I have since reflected that it probably did.  Anyway, I escaped without injury and went to find SWMBO.  I was most suprised when she turned away and pretended she didn't know me.  Everyone was looking very disapprovingly at me but hey - no harm done.  I was absolutely exhausted by the end of the walk and oddly, we don't go any more. Laters.

Thursday, 1 July 2010

Still here - just

No, I haven't gone barking mad.  I thought this photograph might put an end to the moggie shots.  Not only do I look fierce in this snap but I thought it might cool us down a little.  I have heard no more about the cats although there was a discussion about names for them - once they know they know if they are bitch cats or dog cats - if you get my drift.  Who cares, because once you're adopted, you get taken to the vets and lose all your bits anyway.  I know - it happened to me.  Long before I knew Those who must be obeyed, I belonged to a family in Plympton.  They'd paid good money for me and I believe I had show potential.  Then my first owners got an English Springer Spaniel, who didn't speak Welsh.  I think that was the problem.  He must have told them bad things about me in English and the next thing you know, I'm getting the chop in my down belows and then I'm put up for adoption.  So, dear reader, I come from a broken home.  I was an unwanted pooch.  Then one day they who must be obeyed turned up and took me on holiday to a caravan  near Beer in Devon.  I was unaware I was on trial, otherwise I might have been a bit better behaved. 
Why oh why did they take me to a donkey sanctuary on day one?  I spent the afternoon walking around on my hind legs trying to attack each and everyone of those poor orphaned creatures.  I was young and foolish in those days.  I chased cyclists, joggers, sheep - anything really because I didn't know what they were.  Since this has turned into a confession spot, I may as well tell you I once killed a pet rabbit.  There ~ it's out.  I do regret this incident and I cannot promise it won't happen again but honesty is the best policy and anyway, I wanted you to see why I am the way I am.  I realise it's too late for therapy but quite frankly you cannot beat a bit of raw bunny.  (I left the head)  Where was I?  Oh the nice caravan.  My new owners closed all the curtains in the caravan all day long because whenever I saw anyone walking past, I barked the place down.  We sat in semi-darkness for a week and they played cards with a torch.  I had such a nice time though, that I left the owners of the caravan a little gift. Yes, you've guessed it - fleas.  The owners of the van were glad I had a nice vacation and were too polite to even mention my little gift.
I can't remember why I'm telling you all this now. Back to the present. While I was depressed yesterday, I mooched around the house and worried about how I was going to be a doggie version of Bear Grylls, when I ran away today.  I was given my usual chicken and rice and at the end of the night just before we retired to bed, I went out with SWMBO on slug patrol.  They both went off to bed and I found a delicious bowl of chicken and dog meal, which was left out for Mr. Reynard.  I didn't realise it but I was locked out of the house.  My survival skills were being tested sooner than I had anticipated.  Well, I'd nearly eaten it all, when I was suddenly dragged by the collar back into the house.  I settled down with a big sigh and passed just a little gas - to demonstrate I was replete and I  had quite a good night's sleep all in all.
This morning I noticed I was being cossetted a little more than usual and in the park, I was unable to stray far away from her side.  Benson was running sheepdog rings around us in any event, so my escape will have to be postponed I fear.  I think she may have read my blog because she keeps getting down on the floor to cuddle me.  I'm not keen on such slushy demonstrations of lovey-dovey and I always get up and move as far away as I can.  Under the current state of play however, I may have to endure a few love-ins, to make sure the cats are kept at bay.  Hey ho!