I'm a contortionist dontcha know

Doesn't everyone sleep like this?  Why they thought it funny I can only hazard a guess.  I happen to like my bottom sticking up in the air when I go to sleep.  To laugh would be cruel.  Guess which two couldn't get to sleep laughing at me.  To make matters worse they took my photograph.  Can a dog get no peace around here?
SWMBO is back on this fitness thing again.  My walks seem endless when she's on a health kick.  I'M OLD.  Benson runs around like he's just been released from Bedlam and I just try to keep up.  I have started to follow the wrong people in the park.  Of course this is just a ruse to make her come and get me.  Well, she wants the exercise! I trot off in the totally wrong direction and it's hilarious to hear her huffing and puffing to try and catch up with me and my new leader. She thinks my eyes are going and are cloudy but it's my little joke.
SWMBO went out for an hour tonight and when she came back, she smelled strongly of eau de Charlie, eau de Molly and eau de Trixie, Belle of Ewell.  So I went into the garden and came back smelling of eau de Reynard.  I was promptly put in the shower stall for my efforts.
Talking of foxes, I think it must the mating season because every time I go out, there are two of them in my territory and they are very vocal.  I see them off and they come straight back into the garden.  My owners then spend ages watching their antics when they could be pampering moi.  Humans!

I'm trying to forget Christmas

Woofy New Year to my readers ~ somewhat belatedly I confess.  Well, I have been reluctant to write here for a number of reasons but have decided to get things off my hairy chest.  Christmas 2010 will probably be my last.  In fact if certain people had their way ~ I would not be here writing this today.  More of which later. Now I know you all think I'm sweetness and light but if I'm to be honest, I do have my moments.  I do not like children.  There - I've woofed it.  It's out there in cyberspace for all to read.  SWMBO has gone to great lengths to avoid any little person under the age of about say - 12, or thereabouts - coming into my territory.  I'm not used to them d'you see?  But every now and then, it's not possible and I must come into contact with them.  Now please don't think I'm savage because I'm not.  I just give out little warning shots but you have to understand, I can only do it with my teeth and my bark.  I guess you're already one step ahead in my story aren't you?
Last year I had a nice quiet Christmas with my foster folks, Val & Eric in Molesey.  This year my little pack went to Torquay for some sea air on the south coast.  It was a long car journey down there and I'm not a great traveller - even though SWMBO sat in the back with me.  I refuse to go to sleep and I have to watch to see that we're going in the right direction.  (HWMBO has no idea re. directions.) Anyway, by the time we got there, I was a little tired and very hungry.  So I really didn't need a cuddle from a small humanoid called Ava - 22 months.  Everyone sat up for their meal except me and Ava and as she lurched towards me, I told her off.  I didn't mean to catch her eye and her cheek.  I was just telling her to leave me alone.
Well, pandemonium ensued.  Ava was taken to hospital  and I never saw her family again for two days.  SWMBO was in tears and there was talk of going home before the holiday had even started.   I'm not sure whether this was because I'd snapped at Ava or because the dinner wasn't up to scratch.  Who can tell? The vet's name was mentioned but HWMBO said he wasn't to come.  For some reason, if the vet had come, my mum would have been very unhappy all over Christmas.  Not sure why.  All I do know is that for the rest of the week, when I was in the house and there were children around - I was muzzled.  I was even walked around on my lead indoors.  I tried to be friendly to everyone after that but I think my goose was cooked, so to speak. (Not that I got any goose this year!) The good news is that I didn't break her skin and no medical was needed.  However, my little secret was now exposed and I was doga-non-gratis thereafter.
The walks by the sea were nice though and I always like to visit my cousin Eddy.  She's getting on like me.  I'm not at all sure we'll meet again.  Overall though, it wasn't a great Christmas - considering it may have been my last.  Lady Blockley even popped in the day before we came home.  She did a pooh in the kitchen, so not to be outdone, I did one the next day in a similar spot.  Couldn't help it. They were all taking so long to get ready for our walk.
I'm sorry if this blog entry is a little downcast - not my usual bundle of laughs - but strange things are happening to me.  HWMBO says I'm well over 100 in human years.  That sounds very old doesn't it? Well, I shall savour each day and treat each one as my last because one day it will be. Good night!

I know what you're thinking....

Right you lot!!  Which one of you bought me this darn dog coat?  Come on!!  I'm waiting!! I want names!!
I have a feeling it was from one of the Till family.  You know who you are.  Have you ever tried to put on one of these?  Head first, front legs next and then back legs.  SWMBO bends my limbs like I'm a rag dog.  I have achy joints - she ought to know that!  Then comes the humiliation of having to go to the park and parade in front of other dogs looking like this.  I don't care to think about it.
Well it's not all bad, because Benson has to wear one too.

I have a feeling I may be going for Jellification next week.  There was a murmured phone call and I heard my name mentioned.  There was also talk of the snow sticking to my shaggy feet.  It can only mean one thing - a short back and undercarriage.  Then a perfumed bath.  I won't make it easy.  I WILL NOT.  I shall stand when I should sit, I will shake before Mrs. Jelley is ready and I may even pee on the table.  So Mrs. Jelley ~ BE WARNED.  (If that doesn't get the appointment cancelled I don't know what will.)  I hope she reads this.
I think I'm going to see my cousin Eddie for Christmas.  I hope we don't have to wear Santa suits again.
(I kid you not.  I'll try and find a photo if you don't believe me.)
I think you may all be wondering where I have been since October.  Well, I took a sabbatical.  At 15 and four months, I'm entitled.  Apart from that, nothing happened.
Actually, something HAS happened.  I'm sharing my garden with some foxes! Want to see a picture?  Thought you might. 

They are eating the bird seed and food that SWMBO puts out.  Must be pretty hungry.
Well I thought I'd better get this on before the computer gets taken away to be mended. Judging by the bad language which I am pretending not to notice, I reckon it may go through the window soon.  Windows out the window?  My little pun.  Well, it's time for the last garden patrol of the evening.  I will bid you good night.

Hello Folks

This is a picture of me monitoring my kingdom.  It must be spring because it looks fairly tidy! We've had so much rain recently that I get lost in the long grass.  Still, at least I have something on which to chew if I'm feeling a bit icky.  What to tell you? Where to start?
A couple of weeks ago I went for Jellification and came home shorn - you may remember. And it's got chilly so I needed my fur.  I digress. I fancy I heard Mrs. Jelley talking about my ears.  'Put Sudacrem on the inside of the leathers' she said to SWMBO.  Leathers?  Ear flaps to you and me.  Well Mum went off to the pharmacy for the cream and couldn't find it.  She told HWMBO that she'd asked the pharmacist and he said quite forcefully that he could NOT prescribe anything for a dog.  I was pleased to hear that but do you think she took any notice of this learned gentleman?  Of course not.  She just went elsewhere and said the cream was for her or a baby or some such.  There I was, having a nice dream - my legs running in the air, when I was held down by one of them and the cream was applied to my 'leathers' by the other.  Well, this stuff stinks and my nose has to put up with it 24/7 - as they say on TV.  I have lost all my cred in the park and the other dogs won't come anywhere near me.  What a dog has to go through!  I ask you.  I don't mind having dandruff in my ears and I've had no complaints from the ladeeeez!
Want to hear what Charles Ward has been up to?  Don't laugh please.  They are not amused.  Charles's dad, Terry, likes to play rough and tumble on the floor with the dogs. Normally they all have a good time but last week, Charles threw his head up onto Terry's jaw and broke his dental bridge. The cost of the dental work will amount to £1,700 or thereabouts.  Of course only a moron would find it funny and so it was that SWMBO had to apologise profusely to the Ward family for finding humour in such a grave situation. She tried to wriggle out of it by saying that she was worried about Charles's head.  No, still not funny Mum.
I've heard them talk about going out for the day on Sunday to a country show.  They want to take me but the forecast is for rain and I don't really want to go.  I may ask Benson's owner if I can stay there for the day. I'll have to promise not to bark or be a nuisance.  Perhaps I should go there for a hour to see if I like it beforehand.  Yes, that's a plan.  Watch this blog.

I'm only a guest

Howdedooda!
My name is Maggie and I am a guest speaker on this blog for one day only (that's what the old dog who lives here said anyway!) My mum had to go to work today and my usual dog sitters were not available, so I have come to a new house. My food has come too so I don't know for how long I have been abandoned.  When I first met the old codger in the garden, I lay on my back in submission - I was in his territory after all but we both soon realised I was top dog and I set out to prove it.  Laugh?  I nearly offered around the Bonios. 
I first of all jumped up on the bed whilst the woman of the household was trying to make it.  I did get down but felt obliged to get back on, just to prove to the old codger that I still could.
Then I found a pull toy, which frankly had seen better days, so I chewed off the hard plastic then I annihilated the tennis ball part.

This is the old fella' looking at his old Christmas gift from his Aunty Betty.  I wondered why everyone was whispering until I found out that there was a human sleeping in the back bedroom.  This is Taffy's Aunty Barb from Canada.  She's sleeping off something called Jet Lag.  This didn't bother me though and I became quite vocal.  Anyhow it worked because we went for a walk sooner rather than later. It was a struggle getting me into the boot of the car with the old boy but the old woman managed it and off we went.  Imagine my surprise when the boot opened again and in got my old mucker Benson!!  We were so happy to see each other but there was no room to show our happiness, what with the old boy in the corner barking.
When we got to the park, I jumped out of the car boot and took the woman flying across the grass to meet another chocolate labrador.  She had no idea how strong I was.  She dropped her car keys but I wasn't stopping.  I also had to greet a Weimeraner that looked pretty handsome.  When we got back to the car, Benson was out, trailing his lead and the old boy was out still wearing some kind of nappy.  Car keys found we set off.  Minutes later, we met a puppy boxer dog called Charlie and a little rascal called Molly, who told me in no uncertain terms that she was in charge of this pack and don't forget it!  I played and played with Charlie and was covered in slobber.  We were out for what seemed like hours.
We're home now and I am flaked out on the landing of the kennel.  I think I like it here and the old woman seems to like me too. Asked me when I was coming again.  Gotta dash now for some more ZZZZZZZZZ's

Dear Diary......

Good Consternoon Afterble, as SWMBO is fond of saying - having a distant relationship with the 'Old Bill'.  Well, well, well. There must be much to tell you but I'll be surprised if I can remember everything.  I can never get near this computer these days.  HWMBO is writing what seems to be the longest book in the world.  SWMBO is hoping it's going to be a best seller, so we can all retire to a dog friendly country in a modestly warm climate.  Of course he'll never finish it if she keeps nagging him to do all the chores about the house.

Today I have been for 'Jellification'.  I have been shorn to within an inch of my life.  No matter how badly behaved I try to be, I keep getting taken back there.  In fact, I didn't think I was looking too bad and nor did Mrs. Jelley, so I tried to walk right back out of there.  SWMBO had other thoughts and now I need to stay in the warm and dry.  Talking of which, she had me out today with Lady and Benson on Epsom Downs and there was a thunder storm going on.  Well, I couldn't hear the thunder but I certainly saw the flashes.

Lady?  I hear you ask.  Well, Lady is my cousin and her mum has to work long hours this week, so Lady has come for a little holiday with us until Saturday.  She is deaf like me and a little nervous but I'm taking good care of her.  The first night she stayed, SWMBO felt sorry for her and let her come up to the master (or should that be mistress?) bedroom.  I soon nodded off but Lady went on walkabout for some time before she settled.  HWMBO said she made noises all night in her sleep.  I never heard them but I must say she does suffer from wind and I can hear that!!  Being a gentleman though, I pretend not to notice.

The photo above is Lady last night on my bed (she brought her own). I've heard of Red Eye but never green eye!  What sort of camera are they using?

Last night, we were all watching Bouquet of Barbed Wire and didn't notice Lady slip out and perform a nuisance on the kitchen floor.  Sadly, that action made SWMBO change her mind about the sleeping arrangements and Lady was relegated to the hall and kitchen overnight.  Once again she went walkabout and her footsteps could be heard for at least half an hour before she lay down.  (So I'm told - I was in the land of nod almost immediately.)  I managed to sleep through the night for a change and when we went downstairs, unfortunately there was another smelly nuisance on the kitchen floor.

SWMBO blames herself.  She has been giving Lady nice tasty treats that she's not used to and so today, she has been placed on her regular diet regimen.  Watch this space for tomorrow's update.

Going backwards in time now.  Last week, I was on a little holiday of my own.  I went to stay with Val & Eric whilst Mum and Dad went to Liverpool for The Mathew St. Festival, which celebrates The Beatles - whoever they are.  They did ask me but I declined the invitation.  Anyhow, whilst on a walk with Eric, I met a little puppy and played with him.  The puppy's owner thought I was a puppy myself.  What do think about that then?  Obviously the arthritis was on holiday too that day.

Whilst away, SWMBO arranged for another Cinnamon Trust lady - Judy - to walk Benson.  This she did a couple of times over the weekend.  Then Benson's owner fell ill and had to go to the hospital for a day.  Judy was kind enough to rush over and take Benson to her house for the day.  Well, Judy has a big garden and Benson apparently checked it all out.  She has two duckweed covered ponds and Benson tried to be Jesus on both.   He came out all smelly and one can only hope there were no fish in them.

If I've missed anything out, I'll be back very soon with an update.  I have a bit of sleep to catch up on now, having been awake all day. TTFN

I even had to share my bed whilst hers stands empty!

For my faithful followers

SWMBO didn't want me to put this photograph on my blog - but who's blog is it anyway?  She thinks she looks like a man.  Well, I didn't argue.  The gorgeous creature with her is Eddy, who you will remember is my cousin who lives in Torquay.  They were sailing down to Dartmouth from Totnes as I recall, without me.  I was no doubt living it up in Molesey with my other mum and dad, Val and Eric.

I may not have been very vocal recently but it's been all go this end.  Charlie and Benson have had kennel cough and Molly has had conjunctivitis.  Trixie Belle of Ewell - Charlie and Molly's cousin - has had the cough too.

One day I actually had SWMBO to myself for a walk. Mum had to take Benson to the 'vitnary' and go and get him his meds.  Charlie and Molly were in quarantine and then Benson was.  For some unknown reason, Molly and I seem to have got away with it.  My claws are crossed and I hope I haven't barked too soon.  Perhaps because we are older dogs.  One day, as Benson was stir crazy, his Mum called my Mum and asked her to take him out as he was driving her nuts.  In the mean time, I have been walking with my bitches, Elle and Cindy.  I love their company and their aroma.  Benson does too.  He's back walking with us now.  Today he was scooting along the grass on his itchy bottom, with his lipstick on show.  No class Border Collies.  No class at all.